Observing Myself in Conflict

After taking this course, it is easier to understand my own choices and behaviors in conflict. For example, I have a conflict with my mom regarding how often and for how long I come home. Because I have a collaborative conflict style, it is very important to me to have open communication regarding my own and the other’s parties needs and interests in the conflict situation. For example, I feel deceived and frustrated if I find out about an important interest of the other party after a decision has already been reached. In this example, I decided to go on a trip over winter break, and after I had already made these plans, my mom expressed negative feelings about the relatively short amount of time I will be spending at home over the break. I was upset and frustrated when she expressed these feelings to me. Reflecting on what I have learned this semester, not only was I upset about the lack of communication, which is very important to me, but I also felt that my identity was being attacked in some ways. I care about my family very deeply and felt that my mom was suggesting otherwise. I place a lot of value on the time I spend with my family, but I know that I will not always have a lot of physical time with them, so it is important that I feel I can effectively preserve those relationships from a distance as well. At the same time, my independence is very important to me, and any threat to that makes me somewhat defensive. As a collaborator, it is important to me that everyone’s interests and needs are met whenever possible and that relationships are preserved, so I try to ask questions and gain input from my mom before making decisions about what I will do over semester breaks, and weigh these in making my own decision. After I found out about her feelings regarding my traveling over the semester break, we talked about the situation. I found out that she is worried I am not taking enough down time and am burning myself out, and that she is concerned about spending time with me before graduation, since I will most likely be moving or traveling again. We were able to come to a collaborative decision in that I will only be home for a short time over winter break, but I will spend spring break at home rather than going on a vacation or a volunteer trip, like I typically do. The fact that we were able to resolve this conflict fairly successfully really exemplifies the importance of what we learned this semester regarding listening and communicating and taking the time to understand what the other parties want and need, while still standing up for your own interests. It is definitely easier now to see conflict as a phenomenon somewhat separate from the people involved, and I find that I am often able (although it is difficult to actually do so), to step outside of the conflict to examine my own behavior and what is really happening in the conflict.